Talking To The Moon
by bemusedbicycle
Summary: Tumblr Prompt - Prompt for lovingcaptainswan: Emma finds out that she might be pregnant with twins and as soon as Killian finds out, he begins acting strangely. Captain Swan angst/fluff.


**Prompt for lovingcaptainswan on Tumblr  
****_Emma finds out that she might be pregnant with twins and as soon as Killian finds out, he begins acting strangely, withdrawing emotionally one minute, snapping at her over something little the next, fawning over her constantly but almost with irritation and she assumes that he's upset about the pregnancy itself until someone from the EF (Charming maybe?) reminds her that where they came from, pregnancy (especially multiples) was a lot more dangerous than it is here and he's just scared._**

"Do you even want this?"

He hesitates, just for a moment, and the fear that has been ebbing at her subconscious for weeks flares and expands. His blue eyes focus on a spot over her shoulder and this is _wrong_, so terribly wrong.

"Of course I do, love." But it's half-hearted and she knows he's lying, not even really trying to convince her of it. Her heart plummets to her toes and she puts a hand on her swollen belly, trying in vain to protect their children from the indifference of their father.

She takes a step forward, and then another, and grips his chin in her hand gently. She tilts his face downward until his eyes finally meet hers and she swallows hard.

"Do you want to try that again?" She hates that her voice is so weak right now but her world is crumbling around her and this is just like before and he promised he would never-

He _promised_.

Bright blue eyes blink down at her and his shoulders sag.

"Emma."

It's broken and whispered and his eyes are so impossibly sad. Her eyes slip shut as she breathes out a shaky exhale, the warm pressure behind them too much to bear. Her grip on his chin relaxes and her palm flattens against his skin, his pulse erratic and strong beneath it.

When she leans forward to catch his lips in a gentle kiss, he sighs into her mouth, his hand coming to rest gently on her hip and it's too much. A traitorous tear escapes her eye as she pulls away, biting the inside of her cheek hard.

She doesn't want to do this.

She has to do this.

"Get out." She whispers and his entire body jolts as if she's smacked him. She averts her gaze as she steps backwards, his hand falling limply by his side.

"Emma, that's not what I-"

She can feel the pain rising and swelling within her, the utter helplessness of a broken heart. She shakes her head, the tears waiting to burst like a dam under too much pressure.

"Get out of my house, Killian." She doesn't wait for a response, instead choosing to turn and disappear into the nursery they painstakingly decorated. She remembers how happy he had been - the boyish grin and the loud laugh. Her eyes fixate on the small, wooden pirate ship on the shelf above the twin cribs.

It smashes against the wall when the front door slams loudly - breaking into tiny, unfixable pieces.

-/-

Her eyes are red rimmed and puffy as she stands at the kitchen counter, stirring the cinnamon into her hot chocolate slowly. She feels sluggish and drained - every part of her aching in protest. One of the twins kicks her gently and she smiles softly, sadly, rubbing a hand over her abdomen.

"I'm okay, baby." Tears well up behind her eyes again and she rubs at her temple harshly, annoyed that her emotions can't seem to right themselves. It's been years since she's had to protect her heart – least of all from _him_ - and her walls aren't as strong as they used to be.

She spins wildly when the door to the apartment slams open and curses herself for her naïve hope when Henry stands gaping in the door. He's out of breath, brown eyes wide and frantic.

"What's wrong?" Her pulse speeds up as she takes a step forward. Henry swallows and she feels another kick, harder this time.

His eyes linger on hers and he's too damn smart for his own good.

"Have you been crying?" A frown twists his lips and he looks so much like Neal now it's downright scary - 16 and lanky, brown hair messy and over his eyes. He shuts the door behind him.

She waves him off and balances a hand on her hip.

"What had you running up here? What's going on, kid?"

He glances around the apartment. "Is Killian here?"

She frowns as a sharp pain tugs at her heart. "No." She says quietly. "No, he is not."

Henry freezes and a strange look passes over his face.

Her heart beats faster. "Henry. What is going on?"

He's looking at her warily, like she's a caged animal ready to bolt, and it's not a look she's used to receiving - especially from her son. He takes a step closer. "The _Jolly Roger_, uh, it's gone."

Everything stops.

"What?"

Henry's frown deepens and if possible, he looks even more concerned.

"Dad and I were down at the docks and we didn't see it, he sent me up here to let Killian know, but – Mom?"

His voice sounds miles away and she turns, reaching with shaking hands to pick up the hot chocolate. Her gaze blurs with tears and she shakes her head hard. This isn't happening. She just wanted him to leave the apartment. She didn't mean for him to leave Storybrooke.

She didn't mean for him to leave _her_.

Her breathing comes in short pants and the mug crashes to the floor on a broken sob. She stares at the chocolate as it stains her socks and the pain in her chest amplifies.

"Mom!" Henry's panicked shout sounds more like a whisper as her vision swims.

The darkness comes, and everything is blissfully silent.

-/-

When she wakes, the room is dark. A machine next to her beeps quietly and she realizes with a groan that she's in the hospital.

The men in her life liked to overreact.

Her head is throbbing and she reaches blindly for the table next to her, hoping to God someone had the wherewithal to leave her some water.

She jumps when a hand closes over her wrist, a cup of water placed carefully in her grip.

"Easy, love."

She jumps at his lilting voice and stares up at him with wide eyes. He's looking down at her sadly, face masked in the shadows of the room.

"You're here." She breathes and something dark twists his features before a mask schools his face into indifference. She feels her stomach drop and sinks back into the bed, bringing the cool water to her lips.

She sips slowly as he crosses back to the other side of the room, slumping down in a chair. She watches him carefully.

"What happened?"

He scowls at her from across the room and she fights the urge to roll her eyes. Looks like nothing changed there.

"You passed out. Dr. Whale said you were dehydrated." He glares at her and she sips her water pointedly. He lifts himself from his chair and plops down on the edge of the mattress. "He also said stress was a factor."

The silence is deafening between them. She hates it.

"Henry told me you thought I left? On the _Jolly_?" His voice is quiet and raspy and she peeks up at him but he's not looking at her. His eyes are shuttered and that mask is still in place.

"Well, you've hardly been easy to keep around lately." He winces at that, lips twisting in a grimace. She shrugs. "And it's been quite some time since you've taken her out. It was an honest assumption."

"You'd think I'd leave you?" He breathes and she starts a little bit at the raw sadness there.

She doesn't answer, instead choosing to place her cup back on the side table. She watches him carefully, body tense and coiled on the edge of her mattress.

"I'm a selfish man, Emma."

Well okay, out with it then.

She huffs and rolls her eyes. _No shit._ His lips twitch at the look on her face but he wisely keeps his grin to himself. She blinks at him expectantly and he averts his gaze to the plain hospital bedspread, picking at it idly. Something in her softens at the look of utter desperation etched across his features and her hand reaches out to cover his. He jumps in surprise, but then shoots her a small grin and there he is, _finally_, the man she fell in love with.

Her pirate.

"What do you mean by that?" She questions and just like that he's gone. His smile disappears as he slips his hand out from under hers. She tries not to feel hurt - but it bites at her, another gesture on her pile of insecurity. She clasps her hands together as he rakes his hand through his hair.

"Do you remember what you asked me earlier?" He keeps his eyes downcast.

"Yes, I asked you if you wanted this. And you lied to me." He lied to her, for the first time since _I'm a blacksmith_ and that cut at her deeper than anything else. He never lied to her. Not ever. Not even when he was bad and she was good and they were trying to kill each other over a portal.

"I didn't lie, Emma, I just didn't give you everything."

She doesn't acknowledge his statement, instead letting the silence fill the void between them. He sighs heavily, sad eyes blinking up and meeting hers. "I do want this, children with you. Gods, Emma, I never knew how much I wanted this. But when we found out it was twins, I just –"

She holds her breath. A thousand thoughts run through her mind, a thousand different explanations of how it was too much, how unprepared he was to handle this - a thousand different rejections and break up monologues. He had been so happy when they first found out - ecstatic in his joy. But as soon as that first sonogram had told them it was twins, he had become moody, withdrawn, and sullen. He would disappear for hours at a time and come home long after she had fallen asleep. He wouldn't touch her, turned her down for sex more times than she could count. Eventually she stopped trying, choosing to sate her insane, hormone-driven lust by herself – leaving her feeling hollow and unwanted. Christ, he practically took out Happy with a mug when he thought she was drinking coffee, screaming at her in the middle of Granny's and then taking off without so much as a backwards glance.

"Bloody hell, Emma. I don't want these children if it means I don't get to keep you."

His entire body sags as she stares at him, the words a muddled mess in her mind.

"What?"

He doesn't respond, instead keeping his gaze on the bed. _If it means I don't get to keep you_. What in the hell is he talking about? She isn't going anywhere. Does he think she is going to take off and leave him with the kids as soon as she pops them out? God, he should certainly know better. They had both been abandoned - her by her parents unwillingly and him very willingly by his outlaw of a father back in the Enchanted Forest.

It hits her like a lightning bolt.

"Oh my God." She mutters and he flinches.

"I know. I'm a terrible man. I'll leave you." The guilt and self-loathing is rolling off of him in waves as he makes to stand but she cuts him off abruptly.

"No, you idiot. Sit down." She punches him hard in the shoulder and he flinches but doesn't move, letting her hit him repeatedly. When she's finally satisfied, she sits back in the hospital bed, crossing her arms over her chest. She glares at him.

"Look at me." He does as he's told, sea blue eyes rising slowly to meet hers. She sighs heavily when she sees how damn _tired_ he looks. "How long have you felt this way?"

He shrugs and scratches at the back of his head. "A fair amount of time. I'd say since we found out."

David had mentioned it, when she first got pregnant – how different it was in their world. Pregnancy was much more a health risk in the Enchanted Forest. Women frequently died during child birth. In fact, Killian's mother had died during his-

Oh _God, _she is so _stupid_.

He thinks she's going to die. And he doesn't want children if it means she loses her life.

"Where have you been disappearing to?" She mutters.

A slight blush rises on his cheeks, but he holds eye contact. "The library – they have quite the selection for expecting parents."

Her eyebrows furrow. "But you'd be gone for hours."

He nods and reaches into his jacket, pulling out a large notebook and handing it over to her. She opens it to see pages and pages of his neat handwriting – outlining all sorts of symptoms and complications and timelines. She flips through carefully, the emptiness in her chest slowly warming.

"You didn't want to touch me." She whispers brokenly and he shifts.

"One of the books said sex could induce labor." He shifts again. "It's too soon for the babies. I didn't want to risk it."

She flips another page in the notebook and freezes. She gasps as her fingers run over the words and her eyes fill with tears.

"Killian."

Written on the page, over and over and over again, in his crisp neat handwriting are the names _Liam David Jones _and _Hope Snow Jones_ - the names she had secretly picked out by herself on one of the many nights he was missing. She must have written them down somewhere. She watches as one fat teardrop falls on the page.

"Killian, you do want these children." She looks up at him and he seems shocked by her tears. His hand cups her face and his thumb sweeps along her cheek, catching a stray tear on his skin.

"Aye, I do. But not if I don't get to keep you."

Her hand covers his as she sniffs. "You're gonna keep me. You're gonna keep all of us, you goon."

He snorts and rolls his eyes a bit at the insult and she gives him a wide grin. His eyes trace her face as he scoots closer and it feels so _good _to finally have him here.

"You don't know that love, anything could happen. I read-"

"No more reading." She cuts him off. She wraps her free hand around his neck and tugs him down so his forehead is resting against hers. She exhales. "If you're worried about something, you talk to me, okay? This doesn't work if you don't talk to me."

He nods against her.

"As for you losing me, that is _not_ even an option. Our babies are healthy, I am healthy, and nothing is going to take me away from you and our family without a fight. Understood?"

He nods again, small smile tugging at his lips. His hand falls to her collarbone as he regards her seriously.

"I'm so sorry, Emma."

Her fingers tangle in his hair. "I'm sorry, too. I should have paid better attention. I still forget sometimes that you aren't from here."

She watches as his lips curve up. "That well-adjusted, am I?"

And it's been so damn long since he's been so carefree that she just lets her lips fall into his. He sighs against her as her arms wrap around him, pulling him close. He shifts so that he's half on top of her, balancing his weight on his good arm and one of the twins kicks out. He chuckles against her mouth, his palm warm as it slides over her abdomen.

"I know, little love. Daddy was a fool."

Emma grins into his lips.


End file.
